I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
