please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
