If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
