im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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