I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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