I accidentally burped into my bong.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
