I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
