For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
