I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
