just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
