he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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