My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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