Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
