god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
