the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
