Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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