I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
