...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
