FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
