Moan for me like Helen Keller
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
