we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
