He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
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John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
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I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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