3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
