I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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