You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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