Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
