Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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