Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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