my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
