her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
