Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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