ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
