I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
