He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
