You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
