I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
