if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
