I cannot find my penis.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He passed out mid-signature
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
