i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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