After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
