I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
