textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
