allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
