You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
