Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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