I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
