4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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