girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
