If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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