When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
