Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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