remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
