remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
