just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
