end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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