Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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