last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
