Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
