I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
