Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
