he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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