Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
