Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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