They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
